My Relationship with PMDD and How it Leads Me to Self Love
I woke up from my long nap feeling extremely tired and depressed for no reason. Looking at the ceiling, my thoughts gradually spiraled down to the dark well of my soul. Anxiety started to creep in like a snake from my gut to my throat. It get hard and harder to breathe. I pushed myself to sit down, tried to take a deep breath and meditate like I’ll easily do every morning, but this time, I didn’t get the result that I’ve expected.
All methods to help you to stay balanced are only working when you’re calm. They can be used to maintain your zen. But when you’re drowning in life biggest black hole, you won’t remember any breathing techniques or yoga poses, you just kick the hell out of the water and hope to stay afloat.
My phone was buzzing, it was a text from mom. She lives in a city nearby, and I usually came to visit her every weekend. “How are you, my dear? Everything is good? Are you healthy?”
I cried so hard for not being able to answer this simple question.
No, mom. I’m not healthy. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (PMDD), it’s like PMS but worst. I feel sick and tired all the time during the cycle. I feel depressed and anxious. The pressure of being a startup founder doesn’t help either. I feel that I’ve failed at maintaining so many different things from business, relationship to friendship in a very short period of time. I feel like a total mess.
I typed and erased several times before finally sending an answer for my mom.
“Alhamdulillah, Ma. Thank God, I am healthy. Hope you are well,” I don’t want to make her worry about her only daughter.
My mom would never understand the pull to go to Bali every month. “You’ve seen everything in Bali!” She would say. I know. But Bali for me is like a huge dose of vitamin C. You just have to take it regularly. I am at a point where I must scratch and crawl to get a sense of peace. And I’m going to do exactly that.
I always understand that my heart needs time to heal from disappointment that I feel about my life. I’m a proud doer and progress lover. It shocked me that I must stop for a while, even went backward, without knowing what I’m going to do next. Clutching a book titled, “What Should I Do With My Life?” wasn’t helping either. I get too busy to hide the cover from everyone around me, not wanting people to know that I am a confused human at 35.
I told my best friend when I was 25 that I want to retire at 35. And by retire, I mean, to stop working for money and already have enough passive income to give me comfortable lifestyle options for the rest of my life. I am indeed right now sort of retire from doing ‘fulltime work’ that require me to be at the office from 9 to 5 (and more). Possibilities suddenly open into unlimited space. I can finally do what I want!
But, wait a minute, what exactly do I really want?
I woke up from another nap, this time in Canggu, a piece of heaven in Bali, inside my small bamboo hut at House of Canggu. HOC is a Booking.com discovery I’m quite proud of, by the way. With $20 a night, I can live like a Queen of the sea. Even when I need a five minutes Go-Jek ride to go to the beach!
In Bali, I still felt the same exhaustion and anxiousness, but now I can drag myself out of bed. I’m going to get my medicine: the sea and the sunset.
“Are you alone?” A dad with his two beautiful daughters asked me if the seats beside me are available.
I was really intrigued to answer with something fun and witty like, ‘I’m alone but not lonely’ -insert a wink emoticon here- but then I decided that I’ve already had a handful PMDD afternoon to deal with. Let me use my precious energy for something more important, like walking back to my hut.
“Yes, sure, you can use the seat,” I smiled.
The fire dance of the sunset attracts tourists from all over the world to dip their feet in the glowing wave. I offered the family to take a group picture with sunset as the background. It was on time, because by the time I’ve finished, the sky has changing its color into magenta with a touch of orange and dark blue to lure the moon to shine. I saw two brothers sat at the edge of the cliff and just have a seemingly enjoyable conversations like no one else was there.
On most days, I want a company to witness this beautiful scenery with. But that afternoon, I feel at peace, I feel okay to experience this magical moment with my self.
If I told myself 3 years ago that I will spend a week doing absolutely nothing in Bali, I won’t be able to believe it. I’d never allowed myself to travel just for the sake of traveling. I can’t be 100% relaxing and doing nothing. I didn’t let my self to rest. I have a nagging need to be productive.
Now, after I get a better understanding of my hormonal cycle, being productive is the last thing on my to-do list. The first one is to simply be in the moment, being grateful for any objects at the nearest sight possible. Allowing moments by moments to unfold. Push myself to do more physical movements like walking or dancing. To let things flow, cry my heart out, journaling and taking excessive notes of all my feelings, grounding and put my feet down to be caressed by mother earth. To only respond and prioritize the most important: anything that gives me positive vibes.
I’ve been hard to myself for too long and the act of radical self-love is something that I need to do, just because this time, I really have no other choice.
For the bully voices in my head, I have the answer for them, “Why did you do this shit?” It said. “Of course I did that, I want to experience life to the fullest,” I said. Strangely, it went quieter after that.
I also have stop forgiving people altogether. I don’t blame them anymore for making my life miserable. I take the ownership of my feelings and see that: it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing to forgive about. They just do whatever best they need to do in their perspective to protect their own well being, like I did with mine.
I used to expect people to be like an angel or a saint, now I expect them to be an asshole and when they become less of an asshole, I am really really thankful.
My life, has been a lot lighter this way.
update: some friends already plan to book HOC after reading this article lol. Go on, check HOC and book using my Booking.com code to get extra 10% discount
